


Are We All We Are?

by Lopithecus



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Asexual Character, Established Relationship, I think that's important to note, Introspection, M/M, Self-Discovery, Some thoughts on sexual attraction sex and Eddie's past and current relationship, Written by an asexual writer, ace eddie, asexual Eddie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:54:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24747154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lopithecus/pseuds/Lopithecus
Summary: Eddie has never actually found anyone as "hot" or "sexy." In fact, he doesn't even really understand what those terms, when directed towards another human being, mean. He knows there is something wrong with him because of this. So, when Buck starts to catch on, he might or might not panic just a little.Thankfully, Buck knows what the hell is going on and not only helps Eddie in his self-discovery, but also reassures Eddie that he accepts him no matter what.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 35
Kudos: 209





	Are We All We Are?

**Author's Note:**

> So, I’m asexual, I’ve already written a fic that implied [demisexual Eddie](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23590282/chapters/56603362), and then I saw [this](https://maysgrant.tumblr.com/post/620403648396165120/pride-flag-color-palettes-6-eddie-ace-flag) gifset by [@maysgrant](https://maysgrant.tumblr.com/) (prev. asgardiun) that was requested by [@judsonryder](https://judsonryder.tumblr.com/) (so I’m going to tag you too), and so the next logical step was to write a fic with asexual Eddie! Also, I felt this fitting considering it’s Pride Month!
> 
> I hope you all enjoy!
> 
> (Title from Pink)

Eddie thinks Buck is handsome. He thought Shannon was pretty. He loved Shannon, or at least he did at some point. He loves Buck more than he can ever properly express. He wants to do a lot of things with Buck just like he made a family, or tried to make a family, with Shannon. He wants to get it right with Buck when he couldn’t with Shannon. Whatever went wrong in his relationship with Shannon, he doesn’t want that to happen with Buck. So he tries harder.

But like with Shannon there still seems to be something missing in his relationship with Buck. It’s not that he’s not happy, he is. Eddie is happier than he has in a long time. They cuddle on the couch and watch movies with Christopher snuggled in a ball of blankets on the floor, half passed out from the long day he’s had. He and Buck will snuggle up in bed and hold each other, and Buck will make Eddie feel safe just like he hopes he makes Buck feel the same. They go on dates and always have each other’s back when out on a call.

It’s everything that didn’t happen with him and Shannon.

Still, he knows it’s weird that he never thinks about Buck in a sexual way or that it’s almost always Buck who suggests they have sex. He knows there’s something wrong when his focus is entirely on Buck’s pleasure, which he enjoys, but would rather have Buck not touch him. Or, when he is feeling aroused due to physical stimulation — never sexual thoughts, even when he forces himself to try and think of Buck that way but only ends up confused as to why he has no interest in those thoughts — he’s not really into it and he just wants to get his own pleasure done and over with so they can move onto the snuggling part. Eddie  _ knows _ there is something wrong with him when he can’t confidently say his boyfriend is looking hot or, the worse one of them all,  _ sexy _ .

He knows this.

He knew this when it happened with Shannon.

He knew this when even after Shannon left him, he never slept with another person until Shannon came back.

And he still knows this even when he’s now dating Buck.

Eddie has always had a complicated relationship with sex. It makes him feel good but he is never really  _ into _ it. He used to have sex with Shannon because he thought that’s what you were supposed to do. He was her boyfriend and then fiance and then husband. Sex just came with the role, how you made a family, and the glue that kept everything together, even in a relationship that was clearly falling apart. Plus, he’s a man, and men are supposed to be all about sex.

Except Eddie isn’t.

He’s always felt like sex was some kind of chore that he had to do in a relationship, that it was the human way of showing someone that you love them.

It’s expected.

Especially since, in Eddie’s case, he’s not exactly that great with words. It’s difficult for him to tell someone, “I love you” so he usually resorts to what he knows best in showing affection.

Sex.

He makes sure that Buck feels good, peppers him in kisses, and snuggles and moves his hands around his body sensually. Buck is his priority in this situation and Buck likes the build-up. Eddie couldn’t care less what he gets out of it and sometimes even prefers not getting anything out of it. Sometimes, it’s even difficult to get aroused by the whole thing in first place and he knows that his tired excuse will only go so far and for so long.

When it comes to the actual sex, it gets a bit more tricky. He goes through the motions, replaying what he knows Buck likes, never changing it up and Buck makes sure he feels good too when Eddie can actually manage to get through it. Only, when it always does happen, it almost always feels a little lackluster for Eddie.

So he fakes it.

He fakes the withering, the moaning, the enjoyment of sucking Buck off even though he really doesn’t like it and could do without it. But Buck likes it and Buck likes the noises he makes when it’s Buck’s turn to make him feel good. And when it’s finally time for him to reach the climax, he fakes that too.

Sure, he feels the pleasure from it but it’s never spectacular and nothing he thinks he would get addicted to. It was the same with Shannon. He enjoyed making her get off, watching her enjoying herself, more than him enjoying it and with Buck, he’s the same. He loves seeing Buck pant and hear him say his name and cry into his fist when he finally reaches that peak.

It’s a little fascinating and he sometimes finds himself wondering how it must feel. But at the same time, he can’t be bothered to care much.

If Eddie is completely honest with himself, he could live without sex in a relationship. He’d much rather have the cuddles, or the dates, or snuggling up under the warm covers. He doesn’t see the need to have sex so often if ever at all. But he’ll never admit that out loud because that means something is wrong with him.

That he’s broken somehow.

That’s why, when Buck abruptly stops kissing his neck and pulls his hands from out from under Eddie’s shirt, he panics a little. Buck is looking at him strangely and Eddie’s heart starts to beat fast in his chest. He doesn’t know what he’s done wrong. Mentally going over everything he’s done up to this point, he tries to pinpoint the moment Buck realized that something was damaged inside Eddie.

“You don’t want this, do you?” Buck sits up, sitting on his calves.

“What?” Eddie sits up too, trying to desperately repair this. Sex was supposed to be what kept the relationship alive. He can’t lose it just because he’s a little broken. “Of course, I do.”

“Eddie, you’ve never really been into this.”

“No!”

Buck sighs and stands, pulling his shirt back on and Eddie doesn’t know what to do. Shannon always went with it, even if she had her doubts about Eddie’s own enjoyment. “I want you to be honest with me, Eddie.”

Eddie panics, stands as well, and follows Buck out into the living room. He doesn’t want to lose Buck, this relationship. “I am.”

“Okay,” Buck turns to him, throws his hands out. “Are you attracted to me?”

“Yes,” Eddie says because he is. Buck is handsome and adorable and he loves him so much his heart might break.

Buck is shaking his head. “I’m not talking about if I look good to you. I’m talking about whether or not you think I’m hot, sexy.”

Eddie draws a blank. He’s never really understood those terms. He doesn’t know what  _ hot _ and  _ sexy _ mean, has never really related to them. They make him uncomfortable and he knows they are supposed to pertain to sex but he just doesn’t  _ get it. _ “Y-yes,” he lies because he doesn’t know what else to do.

Buck’s lips thin and Eddie knows Buck knows he just lied to him. “Do you want to be in a relationship with me?”

“Yes,” Eddie says firmly, more confidently because he does. He loves Buck. He loves him with everything he’s got.

“Do you want to have sex with me?”

Eddie hesitates, swallows. “Yes?” He really didn’t mean for that to come out as a question. Buck sighs again, slumping. “Why does it matter? You want to have sex with me so we have sex.”

“Eddie…” another heavy sigh. “I want both of us to enjoy it.”

“I do.”

“No, you don’t.” Eddie looks to the floor, feeling shame pushing on his chest. This is the part where Buck will tell Eddie just how broken and messed up he is and how he needs to get himself fixed. “Did you think I wouldn’t be able to tell? At first, I thought it was because you’ve never been with a man before but you should be used to it by now, Eddie.”

“No,” Eddie says quickly, looking back up at Buck who is looking nothing short of hurt. “No, it was the same with Shannon.”

“Oh.” Buck’s tone changes completely as if something has just occurred to him. As if Eddie’s frantic and desperate declaration of how shattered his relationship with Shannon was because of him made Buck come to a realization. “So, you’ve never really been interested in sex? Or really been sexually attracted to someone?”

Eddie shuffles on his feet, looking to the floor again. He shrugs. “I…” He peers at Buck again, “You’re good looking, you are and I can see that, but I… I’m not sure what it feels like to want to jump into bed with a person just because they’re handsome or pretty.”

“But not sexy or hot?”

“I don’t even understand what those mean,” Eddie says, frustrated. “What is hot and what is sexy? I know it has to do with wanting to have sex with someone but… I just don’t… get it.” This time Eddie sighs. “I’m sorry. I know there’s something wrong with me to make me like this but-”

“No, Eddie.” Buck walks up to him, grabs his hands, and squeezes them reassuringly. “There is nothing wrong with you.”

“Buck, I’m not attracted to my boyfriend in a sexual way. There’s definitely something wrong with me.”

Buck chuckles and guides them down onto the couch. He never lets go of Eddie’s hands. “Eddie, have you ever heard of Asexuality?”

“No.”

“I thought so. Here.” Buck pulls over Eddie’s laptop that had been sitting on the coffee table, turns it on, pulls up the web browser, and types in Asexual into the search engine. He then hands it over to Eddie. “Read up on it while I go get supper started.” Getting up, Buck leaves him to it.

Eddie does read up on it, clicking on multiple links and reading so many articles his head hurts. He finds a forum and reads about other people’s experiences, and maybe some of it does seem to relate to him. Or, really, a lot of it relates to him. Acknowledging that doesn’t necessarily lift the weight off his chest, he probably has a ways to go before he can completely accept this part of himself, but it’s a start. So he bookmarks a couple of websites and the forum after making an account — not that he would ever actually talk on it but some people have hidden their stories from people not logged in and Eddie is in deep now.

“So?” Buck comes to sit down next to him on the couch. He sits close, slightly angled in Eddie’s direction, and their knees touch. “What do you think?”

Eddie shrugs. “I don’t know.”

“I’m not trying to push some label onto you Eddie, but I do want you to be comfortable with yourself and understand yourself and maybe someday, accept yourself,” Buck gives him an encouraging smile. “And, Eddie, asexual or not, if you don’t want to have sex with me anymore, I’m fine with that.”

Eddie huffs. “Really?” Buck tilts his head in question. “I’m not saying I don’t want to have sex with you but depending on how long this relationship lasts, that could mean months, years, longer… You sure you could do that?”

Buck holds up a finger. “First off, our relationship is going to last for the rest of our lives.”

“Careful what you say. Our lives could be very short in our line of work.”

“Don’t even say that,” Buck chastises and Eddie shuts up. “Secondly, I do have two very capable hands  _ and _ it gives me an excuse to visit a sex shop and do some shopping.” Eddie scowls in disgust and Buck chuckles at his reaction. “No, but seriously, Eddie, I want you to be comfortable and if that means no sex, then we don’t have sex.”

Eddie contemplates it. It’s not like he’s sex-repulsed like some other people who are asexual have said — and he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with those people, now that he’s read up on the sexuality a bit more, but it’s not something he relates to.

Eddie shrugs again and glances at Buck, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. “Maybe we could have just… less of it?”

“Yeah,” Buck doesn’t even hesitate to agree to it. “But Eddie, just know, that if you ever just want to stop having sex in this relationship forever, then I’m okay with that. You’re not going to lose me over this. Masturbating can actually be quite fun and feel really good. After all,” Buck’s smile is wide and teasing. “No one knows what you like the most better than yourself.”

Eddie huffs a laugh. “Sorry, Buck, can’t really relate.”

“So you’ve never even masturbated before?” Buck sounds almost fascinated.

“I mean, I’ve tried but it’s always taken too much energy, too much effort, and the end results aren’t worth it,” he answers. Buck is looking unfazed by his words and he can’t even express how grateful he is of Buck’s reaction. “You know, when Shannon left, I didn’t sleep with anyone for two years before she came back. I thought I was just being loyal because I was still married to her.” He shakes his head. “Now I realize I just… didn’t have the interest.”

“You know that’s okay?” Buck has turned serious again. “There are millions of people out there that are also asexual, Eddie.” He shrugs. “If that’s what you decide you are.”

Eddie chuckles humorlessly. “And here I thought the only thing I had to stress about was liking other men.” Then, he looks at Buck hesitantly. “So you don’t mind that I’m not sexually attracted to you? That I don’t find you ‘sexy’ per se?”

“It really doesn’t, Eddie. I know you love me.” Buck reaches over, puts a hand on his knee. “You’ve got my support.”

Eddie puts his hand on Buck’s and intertwines their fingers. “You don’t know how much that means to me, Buck.”

“Eddie,” Buck scoots closer, pulls him in tight against his side and Eddie lays his head down on Buck’s shoulder. “I’ll always support and accept you. I’ve got your back, remember?”

Eddie smiles, turning his face into Buck’s neck to hide the redness that is appearing from being overwhelmed. “Thank you, Buck.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all enjoyed this! I rated it “T” because of the sex introspection. Also, I’m really loving the idea of ace Eddie! Although, I’m going to admit, despite being ace myself, I was a little nervous about writing this and possibly misrepresenting the ace community. Go figure!
> 
> I actually am sex-repulsed myself (at least when it comes to sex and my body) so I based Eddie’s thoughts about sex off things I’ve heard other sex indifferent aces say. His thoughts on the words “hot” and “sexy” are actually my thoughts. I really don’t understand what makes someone “hot” and “sexy.” It confuses me greatly.
> 
> Anyway! Thank you all for reading this! Let me know if you like the idea of asexual Eddie!
> 
> [Tumblr](https://angelcamael.tumblr.com/)   
>  [Fanfiction Tumblr](https://lopithecusfanfiction.tumblr.com/)


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